Hello Blogging Universe. It has been awhile. The best that I can say is that laying off the Blog and social media for awhile has been wrought with a series of happenstance. I’ve been doing self care and reflection and life can throw those curves. Nothing you didn’t already know. If you are at all like me at this juncture, I feel the universe has really been throwing down and I’m here for it! This last full moon cycle was a doozie. In essence, what I’ve been feeling lately can be summed up in a meme. It goes something like this: “We are all well beyond self care at this point, and now it’s about smoking marijuana and dancing naked under the full moon.” Before you start concocting images of some woman toking on a wooden pipe while dancing naked, let me explain. I just want to mention, my brain is scrambled right now and I’m doing the best I can.
I have got to pass this hurdle people. I have Covid brain. The “worst” happened. I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got break-through Covid. I also just had to edit the first line of this paragraph, and I’ve had to edit this blog MANY times already. Two paragraphs in, and here we are. I literally started this paragraph with, “I have to get past this curdle people.” Well there’s that too. Curds and why, I mean whey, and welcome to the mad hatter party! So, I hope some of you can get this message and feel what I am throwing down. I’m going with it. I’m going to leave the mistakes in, so you can see how hard this has been. It’s a gamble.
I’ve blogged before that I have adult ADD and could possibly be on teh (the) autistic specrum (spectrum). See? One freaking sentence. Anyway, I think Ivve (I’ve) well establishe that my brain is cramble and strying to unscramble itself. I’m beyond crecting my mistakes in parenthesis now. Where am I without my sritting? Writing! Anyway, i’m just hre to tell you that Cocid brain is real. I could just cry. AT least I am capable of editing, but I’m not going to do it at this piont. I am so beyond frustratede.
Okay, that was me unfiltered. No writing tricks. I’m back to editing now. The above paragraph is honestly my new struggle. I have new theories on Covid now, which I am sure have some scientific backing somewhere. It took the parts of me that were already dysfunctional, underlying, etc. and magnified them. At least that has been my experience. Things are getting better over time, but I definitely need some self work and realignment.
I lost something I so desperately want back and it has come back slowly, but it has been a process. I hope these blog posts improve with time. Writing is now my new therapy, and I think I’m going to have to dive into reading and comprehension but I’m still here people. I’m still here. I did not intend to write this blog as a tragedy or a scare tactic. I’m not even going to shout out to people to get the vaccine. I mean, I got both doses, and a hell of a lot of good it did me. Also, there are enough Doctors, nurses, and scientists shouting out into the void already (God bless them). I AM grateful for them, and maybe I will throw in a plug about how this could have been so much worse. It very possibly could have. I’m just saying I don’t believe this virus is a monolith. It effects people in different ways, and just as it is a multi-faceted virus, there are going to be multi-faceted solutions. I can definitely vouch for healing not being linear.
There are a few wacky-do things I have come to terms with since I got the virus. The first being that I’m almost glad that I finally got it. Not that I’d intend for anyone to go out and get it on purpose, but I almost had a religious experience in the throws of fever. It was like that “angel of death” I had been so hyper vigilant about for MONTHS (going on two years now) had finally passed over me. It passed over me and my family. I realize it’s my good fortune to say this. Some families have not been so lucky. By now we may all know of someone who has not been nearly as fortunate, and I don’t even know if fortunate is the appropriate term. Much of this feels so random and unfair because it is.
Sometimes I feel this little planet of ours is just trying to survive, and I find it unbelievable that one of the little tricks it has pulled from it’s sleeve was to pull something momentous from the cave of a bat, or whatever the hell this is. I have renewed faith in the idea that one must never underestimate the powers that be, where they come from, or the notion that the most astounding things can come from the most obscure and least likely places. I find both comfort and fear in that.
I find comfort knowing that the more I stick with just getting through this blog post, it does become easier. Fewer mistakes as this goes along, but don’t be fooled. I am still editing, just maybe doing it faster, and on demand. I will adapt. I’m adapting in real time. That is what we do. This is what I must do to navigate this “new normal.” Part of me thinks it’s a survival mechanism. So when I say, I am passed self care, I’m talking about basic instinct now. I am learning to tap into centers of myself that have not been tapped before and re-awakening my natural instincts, source energy, or whatever the hell you want to call it. If that puts me in some symbiotic relationship with the moon, then so be it.
Anyway, I intended for this to be a longer post, but “source” energy is telling me that shorter is sufficient for now, and my people will get it. I’m beginning to feel like I could apply the same analogy to Covid that I’ve heard for Autism. “If you know one person with autism, you know one person who has autism.” I will follow that with, “If you know one person who has had Covid, you know one person who has had Covid.” Collectively, I can not speak for a particular group, but for those I have conversed with who have had this, they get it. Brain fog is a discussion I’ve had with quite a few people.
Some people are in other camps, and some of these camps are starting to merge. Where are my brain fog people at? I talked to two people this week who are seeing pulmonologists post covid and there are other mysteries. Nobody likes these camps. These are not camps one expects to be in. There are many unknowns. I myself, felt it most in my head and sinuses, worst headache of my life, body aches, smell still pending and it’s been weeks. I cried uncontrollably for two days without knowing why, I had fever, and mild to moderate confusion. There it is. That quintessential it’s not a matter of IF I would get Covid but when and it arrived.
I’m hanging in, my family has hung in. Although, we’ve all experienced this differently. I just want to say, that the one thing I am leaning into most, is not self care. I’ve talked an awful lot about self care. Self care is good care but I feel like I’m moving onto some upper level sh*t now and embracing SOURCE care (I’m pretty sure I’m being repetitive now and that is part of it too). With source care the self care follows, as well as care for all living things. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ve leaned less into my mind because I’ve had to and more into something beyond that which has greater permanence and if that makes me bat sh*t crazy now, I’m okay with that.
I’m feeling it less necessary to be argumentative, to prove a point, be reactive, or go down certain rabbit holes. They are just not worth it. I’ve done a lot of avoidance or thought I was so enlightened by “just walking away,” slamming the door, and avoiding my triggers. None of it is bad, but it only gets you so far. I’m realizing that there’s this other upper level shit that came to me in a quote. It goes like this, “Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story-and walk your way to a different ending” (Vienna Pharion).
So, the bottom line is I think I’m all there, and this renewed brain fog makes me realize that “hey maybe I’m not all there.” That’s how this journey has been. Do we ever arrive? I believe we just move onto the next degree of upper level sh*t and this is something I felt on my last trip to Hawaii as well. I am feeling a shift, that’s all I am saying. I don’t think any of it is bad, I’m just having new contemplations about how negative projection has more to do with others than me, how I need to be who I am despite what other people are, or how if I am triggered by someone they must remind me of my own unrealized weaknesses, and self work that I must attend to, because I will never be able to control others I must just love them in the meantime.
So, there are some other updates beside the Covid shake up and the great brain unscrambling. I’ve been working as an essential worker. Ha! Wouldn’t you know it? That is when I dived right into the cesspool. No really, I don’t think I got Covid from work but I’ve had many exposures there. I know I may have exposed a coworker and she is not doing well. Survival guilt is real. I’ll never know if she got what she got from me or from the community.
It still bothers me. I’m not lost to her situation. I was completely disturbed by it when I found out. It’s just crazy how you have to go on, knowing you may have exposed someone who is fighting for their life now. You can’t walk around with a shroud hanging over your head the entire time, but just because I’m not openly expressing some dramatic display of remorse and guilt on the clock doesn’t mean I’m not feeling it. It’s confusing, because it’s not about me. I have no right to feel any shard of sympathy for my own guilt because I’m not the one laid up in the hospital. It all feels so deranged and it does mess with a person.
Anyway, I had to get out of the house. I joined the world of essential workers. I could be in the schools or back in healthcare but right now I don’t wanna. I have contemplated getting my RN to relieve some poor healthcare worker who may be burning out now but I can’t even type something without mincing letters or words or not having it look on paper like it did in my head. Should I really be handing out medication?
So I have taken a leap from modern medicine to herbal medicine, super foods, and vitamin supplements. I’ve taken a step back from the pharmaceutical industry into homeopathic medicine, CBDs, intuitive aromatherapy and essential oils. I romanticize my job like I work at Rose Apothecary. I tell you what, when I worked healthcare, I was more liberal when it came to alternative medicine, and now that I am working with alternative medicine I am probably considered more conservative.
I also feel like I’m playing for both teams, or like I’m a plant. For example, I told someone to leave the vitamin section and get their mom to a hospital stat and I had to tell someone that a roll on CBD oil was not going to cut it for someone suffering from stage four cancer. I broke this gently of course, but I really feel I’ve been “called” to this job to supply balance. People come in expecting a witch Doctor and it’s terrifying that I could abuse my position if I were so inclined. I feel my purpose has been to guide others to think for themselves and to do their own research. Peer reviewed. At the very least, ask the appropriate questions so they can make the appropriate choices.
I think the biggest misconceptions I see from people are that all “natural” medicines are safe, that taking something “natural” isn’t going to mess with their other medications, or that these natural substances should not be weighed against other health conditions or herbal supplements they are taking, and that too much emphasis is placed on snake oil cures which can be a very tall order for certain conditions.
See, there’s this thing called DSHEA and I can’t even say, cold, flu, or Covid. I can only talk about body systems like heart health, digestive health, immune health, etc. I can’t really say “cure” or “treat.” I can only say, “promote,” or “support.” I, myself, try to find balance in both worlds. I’ve had recent ear problems so I went to CVS for Ibuprofen, then stopped by my work for some ear drops with Arnica, garlic, and Mullein. I also had an intuitive healer place her hands on my ear. So there you have it.
The first sign I knew I had Covid was when I spilled some body care item and could not smell it. I started pulling Eucalyptus oil, Cloves, Peppermint oil, etc. and could smell none of it. It was hard, because I am an aromatherapy person. To me, aromas equal limbic system, which equals emotion center, which equals well being.
I’ve had to compensate with other ways to awaken my senses, music therapy, etc. The first thing I smelled was burnt Marshmallow. I smell things randomly like cooking garlic, or I can smell a candle if I hold it up to my nose, but not if it’s burning in a room. I am not alone in this. I’ve talked to people who still can’t smell and they’ve had to learn to live their lives without it. My daughter tasted salt first, and then sweet. She still struggles. It’s unusual, which receptors are triggered first, and again, so not linear. Different stories for different people.
Another frustrating thing about this is that those who have not had it don’t get it. You even mention something about it and they snort and retort like you are some kind of psychosomatic. It’s like you are suddenly being “political” if you even mention anything in the ballpark of long hauler, and this is not political. I’ve no self-induced symptoms to prove an agenda. I’ve really had to again, tap into that upper level healing energy sh*t to remind myself that nobody gets to define what my experience has been for me and these types of encounters have more to do with others than they ever had to do with me.
I don’t regret going out into the work force though, even if I’m not doing my dream job, or if what I’m doing is a jumping off place. I have missed social interaction and I’ve found a new tribe of women I’ve come to adore. I’ve missed friendship. Right now I’m currently loving my Stella, Darcey, and Maria Teresa.
Anywho…I did it people. I got through a blog post. Thank you for listening as I tap in, update and play catch up. More writing therapy on the horizon hopefully of the less scrambled variety. Hopefully more meticulously poached blog posts on the horizon with a lovely side of hollandaise sauce coming up, plated and fancy with a nice sprig of parsley.
P.S made myself a little Zen Den and painted it forest green. Salt lamps and plants galore. Zen space, meditation, writing, and healing hypnotherapy. Hence the pic. We shall see how this chapter unfolds.
More on the Horizon,
I’m glad you’ve made it through. Well done for your bravery in making your first post. It will get easier. X
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Thank you. I wrote this blog last week and I feel time and effort are ony side. My writing gets noticeably easier each week.
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Hi. I’m sorry to hear that you got Covid. This whole situation, worldwide, is bad news. Wishing you the best. Neil S.
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I agree with you on the suckiness of the situation. Keep going on those walks, blogging what catches your eye and sharing all those hits. Your blog posts brighten my day.
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Stay strong and keep smiling.
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Thank you so much Mae. Words of encouragement from you are always appreciated. They really mean so much.